IN WHICH WE GET MEDIEVAL

As you can see from this blog's new RSS feed from Noodle's school, we have an Idiot at large in town who has jammed up an entire town's schedule and wasted tight public resources with his manifest dungforbrainsedness. We have in our midst a certified Drooler. A knucklehead. A moron. Was I supposed to say something more sensitive like troubled youth instead? Feh.

On the other hand, should our perp be caught and brought to account for his bogus threat, I'm not sure it helps matters to add to his street cred with a quick trip through New York's criminal justice system.

And then the pumpkins quietly decaying on our front porch gave rise to an idea. A modest proposal, if you will...the stocks:


One hour, in the middle of town, pelted with whatever's gone bad from the fall harvest - and then a clean slate. Nothing on the juvenile record, nothing in the DNA database, no anger-managment or idiocy-abatement sessions. Just a taste of humiliation and then all's square and we move on. It's cheap, it's quick, it's cathartic, and it unmistakably ties actions to their consequences.

WHAT I'VE GOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN 12 YEARS OR SO

This is how not to react when you get dumped:

While patrols were en route, police received information it was not a domestic dispute, but a dispute involving the homeowner’s daughter’s ex-boyfriend, who had allegedly forcibly entered the home armed with machete-style knives. When Sheriff’s patrols arrived at the scene, they found the girl’s mother and father suffering knife wounds, as well as the suspect — Nicholas Usuriello, 17, of Clinton Corners. Police said he was still armed with two knives.After a short time, Usuriello was disarmed and taken into custody without further incident. While the investigation is continuing, initial investigation revealed Usuriello had planned the incident, and had entered the home when he was confronted by his ex-girlfriend’s parents, police said. The girl’s father suffered a cut on the head and a severed thumb...

Best wishes to the girl's mom and especially the dad; looks like your daughter turned out to be rather a good judge of character and got out while the gettin' was good. This is the kind of situation I'm going to dread seeing my daughter in once she becomes a teenager, even though we like to think she won't be the type to take any guff from any boy - and on a selfish note, by the time Noodle is 17 I'm not going to be a spring chicken and was pretty well useless in physical confrontations even in my youth. Still, a kick to the groin will always work wonders with a violently intransigent failed suitor.

In the meantime, please - no Pope of Greenwich Village jokes until the dad's recovered.

NOT ALL THE WEIRD STUFF HAPPENS AT MY HOUSE

There's these people in Accord, who found some old guy on their roof trying to steal phone service.

Responding deputies arrested Depuy after discovering that he had spliced into the victim's phone line and ran his own phone line from the residence to his camp in the woods. Dpuy lives in a makeshift camp in the woods behind the residence.

And apparently it's his property - there's just no house on it. This should come as a relief to all those locals who've been complaining that all the country properties are being bought up by soulless hedge-fund master-of-the-universe types. There's still eccentrics in them thar hills.

IT'S NOT QUITE BEING CLOTHESLINED AT LOWE'S BY A CRABBY OLD MAN, BUT IT'LL DO

I know I can't be the only one who thinks bloody-minded thoughts when some kid zooms around the store in their idiotic Heelys with nary a supervisory parental figure to be found. Good news, all: they caught one. The next Thomas Crown he ain't.

Me, if it were my store I'd allow my customers to give any kids on Heelys the what's-happening-Luther treatment, but something tells me that'd open me up to a world of litigiousness.

Anyway, that's some fine police work, Lou.