MR. BRIAN WILL SEE YOU NOW

So this morning it was time for my initiation into the tragicomic world of Daddy Tries Making His Daughter Presentable For School All By Himself. Not quite all by myself. Her Awesomeness and the girl-child wisely consulted the night before and got her clothing picked out in advance, so that's one hurdle jumped for me already. Degrees of difficulty for the rest of it, mainly hair care: 1) I'm a guy, 2) I've had pretty much the same low-maintenance haircut since I was four, and 3) never has their been anything placed in my hair as decoration other than sticks and mud, and that was also when I was four.

And nine.

And this one time in college when I inhaled.

Noodle's new schedule means she gets an extra hour or so of sleep, so there wasn't hardly as much not-a-morning-person hell-on-wheels behavior to muddle through as when she had to be awakened at six.

It went...fairly smoothly. We were all done more than half an hour before the school bus arrived, she didn't look a bit like an escapee from the mines, so there was even time to make myself presentable for the bus-stop crowd. I hadn't noticed this since these hours used to pass at the radio station, but since September the end of my driveway has become the new neighborhood hangout, where all the hoods and greasers go to be seen.

Off to Albany with Noodle after this is done, and then tomorrow comes the true test.

TODAY'S HERO TEEN - LUCKY BABY - DITZY MOM STORY

As an Official Dingbat Dad, I have spaced off many things large and small in my children's lives - but even a doofus like me has never done this:

Amanda Hoffman of 44 Bertha St. was trying to get Anthony, her 5-day-old baby, and a stroller, on the bus and was pulling the stroller up the stairs of the bus. Unknown to her, the baby fell out of the stroller, hit the blacktop and rolled underneath the bus tire...

The baby's okay. Mom will be giving Jose Reyes tips on how not to get picked off.

TOMORROW IS SITUATION DAY

As in, we will hear from Beast's urologist up in Albany as to what's happening with the situation on his situation, if you dig my inflectation. (Look, I've got to at least make an attempt to be oblique so that in a dozen years or so Beast isn't quite as horrified to find that his dad was writing about his john thomas.) Will be a long day, but there's supposed to be ice cream at the end of it. In honor of the Pope's visit we're going to Holy Cow in Red Hook.

WHO TO THE WHAT TO THE WHERE, HONEY?

Whoopee, there's nothing like Albany in January, as Mr. Waits and Mr. Nicholson can attest.

Her Awesomeness is taking the Beast to the GP today and to the pediatric urologist at Albany Med tomorrow to get his whizzination situation looked at. Stupid us, we thought we were shot of that place since the Noodle's unpronounceable kidney ailment appears to have settled down somewhat and we only have to get her checked out every six months.

And since Wednesday's to be a festive road trip as well as a doctor's visit, Beast will be seeking out a good pizza joint in Albany, not too far from the hospital. Suggestions?

I wonder if it has dawned on other residents of the Northern Dutchess area that thanks to the magic of the DOT decreeing interminable traffic signals for every Route 9 curb-cut in sight, it now easily takes less time to drive from (say) Red Hook or Rhinebeck to Albany than it does to drive from Red Hook or Rhinebeck to Poughkeepsie or Wappingers. 9G to the Rip van Winkle to the Thruway and zip, you're there...or even 9 to 9H back to 9 to 90, if you want your itinerary to be more rustic and sound more like a track off the White Album.

Also today is the Noodle's first-ever ballet recital. I figure in about seven hours we'll be wobbly in the knees from the sheer force of cuteness exuded by a gaggle of four-year-old girls in tutus.

After that comes the electrician and the mold-remediation guys and the roofer and the garage-door guy, and probably a blizzard - because there's just not enough on our plate.

YOUR FAVORITE BAND IS JUICING

The national steroids investigation being conducted by the Albany County DA's office has branched out, from sports to entertainment:

The names of R&B music star Mary J. Blige, along with rap artists 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, and award-winning author and producer Tyler Perry, have emerged in an Albany-based investigation of steroids trafficking that has already rocked the professional sports world...

What, no Carrot Top?