THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (WHILE CLEANING THE CAR)

"How did cheese get there?"

"I've vacuumed up enough crumbs to make a pie crust."

"What do you mean, it's not cheese? It's yellow, it smells weird...what is it, then?"

"Maybe acetone will get that out."

"I think it was juice. It's too sticky to be blood."

(after a full vacuuming) "A tooth on the floor? You didn't tell me anything about a tooth on the floor."

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (AND THEN REGRET)

"Hey, the kids haven't had a sick day all year!" (followed a day later by both children catching a major case of the technicolor yawns)

"Finally, a nap." (followed 15 seconds later by the phone ringing)

"You kids want waffles?" (followed by realizing you've got no eggs)

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (TO EACH OTHER)

Her Awesomeness: "Are all six-year-old boys fixated on farts like Beast is?"

Me: "Wait until he finds out they're flammable."

---

And that's gotten 2012 off to a classy start.

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (FAITH-BASED EDITION)

Mom: "Okay, repeat after me. Our Father..."
Beast: "Our Father..."
Mom: "Who art in heaven..."
Beast: "Who art in heaven..."
Mom: "Wait...where are your pants?"
Beast: (pauses) "That's not in the prayer!"

--

Noodle: "Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake...Beast gets extra pancakes? NO FAIR."

--

Noodle: (pointing to sky) "So He's up there?"
Dad: (pointing elsewhere) "And over there too."
Noodle: "Up on the wall?"
Dad: "I suppose so."
Noodle: "There on the floor?"
Dad: "Well, it's kind of a mess down there, but sure."
Noodle: "Under the pillow?"
Dad: "Yes...and behind the door. I like that song, too!"

THINGS ONLY CHILDREN SAY (INTRODUCTORY BIRDS-AND-BEES EDITION)

Child development experts will tell us parents to be prepared with age-appropriate answers for the inevitable questions about how they came to be. Being the nuanced and thoughtful dad I am, with none of the previous generations' silly silly hangups about the human reproductive process, I considered myself ready for whatever Socratic queries the Noodle and Beast threw at me.

"Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, and they've had a few, and that scene in 'The Thomas Crown Affair' is on, and any other kids are sleeping, and the phone's not ringing, and they're not exhausted, and they don't smell like gasoline and sweat from mowing the lawn, and the litterbox doesn't need cleaning, and the bills have been paid, and the laundry's done, and the dishes are done, and the trash has been taken out, and the cats haven't vomited on the bed, and everybody's been checked for ticks, and nobody has gas, and nobody decided to load up on curry at dinner, and there's no JW's at the door, well, THEN what happens is..."

That's a good start, right?

What I was NOT prepared for was to be cross-examined on the topic by Beast, in the middle of a busy shoe store.

"THAT'S not how babies happen, Daddy. I'm asking mom."

What? I didn't hardly even get started. What did I say?

Wrong movie?

The shoes fit great, however. Kudos to Montano's in Saugerties.

BIG DAY FOR THE BEAST

That's because a big truck is coming this afternoon...with about four yards of DIRT.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY SON AT BEDTIME TONIGHT

That any bedtime story is vastly improved by adding robots. Take "Bambi", for instance. "ROBOTS had entered the forest..." Much cooler.

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (DINER EDITION)

If you lick that mirror, we're going home.

If you go spinny-spinny on the diner stools again, we're going home.

If you dive into that bowl of mints by the cash register, we're going home.

If you try to eat anything that's stuck to the bottom of the table, we're going home.

Unless you crawl under the table again. Then you HAVE to eat anything that's stuck to the bottom of the table. (And then we're going home.)

(With thanks and apologies to the staff of the Elizaville Diner, who make some of the by-gum best fries on earth. We'll be back. With better-behaved kids, we hope.)

TODAY'S ODD CONVERSATION

Beast, battling a tummyache: "Daddy, does the Sarlacc ever puke?"
Dad: "Er...um...I sure hope not."
Beast: "It would shoot straight up in the air!"
Dad: "Maybe that's how Boba Fett escaped it."
Beast, making pondering face: "Wow..."

YES, THERE ARE STILL THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY HERE

Such as:

"Why is there a rubber glove full of milk on the kitchen table?"

"No, the cat does not always throw up on your shoe on purpose."

"Do not use the riding crop on your brother."

ONE MORE AT FOUR

The Beast...the Little Dude...ain't so little any more...tomorrow he turns five!

At any rate, we are trying our best to provide something entertaining and useful here from time to time - it's just that every time the wheels really get turning the plate coincidentally tends to fill up with Real Life stuff.

Like now.

I KNOW I'M SHOUTING / I LIKE TO SHOUT

Here are some helpful things to shout at the end of "Dora the Explorer" episodes, when she asks what your favorite part was. Quizzical looks from your children 50% guaranteed!

Now then...to get you in the spirit...what was your favorite part?

• The part where Sonny gets whacked at the tollbooth!
• The part where the Nazis open the Ark and totally melt and stuff
• The part where the centurion gives Brian lessons in Latin
• Phoebe Cates in the red bikini
• The part where the music stops and Peter says "A flower?"
• John Henry Bonham...Moby Dick!

Your contributions, as always, are welcome.

IN WHICH WE WAX INDIGNANT OVER RUN-FLAT TIRES

Theoretically? Great idea.


Reality? They go bald after 30,000 miles or less, they're insanely expensive, you almost always have to replace at least two tires at a time, they can't be repaired like regular tires, they've got lousy road feel, they stink in winter conditions, and there's no way to tell which tire your car's low-tire-pressure indicator light is talking about, or whether the warning is real or fake, or whether the tire is going to suddenly give out altogether at an ungodly early hour of the morning, in the rain.


Since we attempt to make this something of a family-friendly blog, you will have to imagine for yourselves the Anglo-Saxon fricative curse words now queuing up in my brain.


Yes, there are class-action suits pending against the tire manufacturers.


In the meantime, it's our considered but non-expert opinion that regular tires plus a spare and a jack are the way to roll. If your tires go flat and you find yourself unable to change the tire yourself, you can get a Triple-A Plus membership that'll get you towed pretty much wherever you need to go.

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN)

"That nice man threw you a perfectly good eyeball, so either eat it or give it to Mommy."

"I don't know if spiders can sneeze."

"Of course you can wear the light-up nose while dancing."

"Yes, my darling little lady, that was funky."

"Sure, there were chickens on the Enterprise. On the holodeck, at least."

IN WHICH THE TOYS SPEAK AT NIGHT, BUT DO NOT YET WALK ABOUT

Somebody.

Tell me why battery-powered talk toys...particularly, the ones with no "off" switch...will spontaneously talk, but only at night.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A LITTLE GIRL WHO ROCKS

Noodle finished up her homework promptly after school. 100% correct and everything, without even the slightest prodding from on high.

T-MINUS TWO DAYS...

...and then Beast gets to experience the wonderful world of kindergarten.

WELCOME BACK, HON - I CAN TOTALLY EXPLAIN WHY THERE'S A COLANDER FULL OF BARBIE DOLLS IN THE SINK

Her Awesomeness is surprised and relieved upon her return from a day of Woonsocketry.

I got through an entire day by myself with the kids without a) burning the house down, b) getting a visit from CPS/FBI/ATF/etc. wondering what in sam hill I thought I was doing, c) collapsing in a broken heap by noontime, or d) grabbing that bottle of Screech on the top of the cabinet and pounding that bad boy down.

The kids ate something resembling three meals at the appointed time and place, and kept their bedtime grousing to a minimum.

And so we celebr-- oh, that's the "check engine" light, isn't it? Splendid.

ONE OTHER THING ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Why is there a potato chip in the toilet?"

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

These are all from this weekend:

"Stop making chicken noises and put your pants back on."

"I do not know if unicorns go pooty-poot."

"That's Don Zimmer. You looked like that when you were born."

"You've probably put six dollars' worth of grape jelly in your hair this year."

"Careful with Mary or you'll drop her behind the piano and she'll have to have the baby Jesus back there like she did last year."