THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (WHILE CLEANING THE CAR)

"How did cheese get there?"

"I've vacuumed up enough crumbs to make a pie crust."

"What do you mean, it's not cheese? It's yellow, it smells weird...what is it, then?"

"Maybe acetone will get that out."

"I think it was juice. It's too sticky to be blood."

(after a full vacuuming) "A tooth on the floor? You didn't tell me anything about a tooth on the floor."

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (AND THEN REGRET)

"Hey, the kids haven't had a sick day all year!" (followed a day later by both children catching a major case of the technicolor yawns)

"Finally, a nap." (followed 15 seconds later by the phone ringing)

"You kids want waffles?" (followed by realizing you've got no eggs)

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (FAITH-BASED EDITION)

Mom: "Okay, repeat after me. Our Father..."
Beast: "Our Father..."
Mom: "Who art in heaven..."
Beast: "Who art in heaven..."
Mom: "Wait...where are your pants?"
Beast: (pauses) "That's not in the prayer!"

--

Noodle: "Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake...Beast gets extra pancakes? NO FAIR."

--

Noodle: (pointing to sky) "So He's up there?"
Dad: (pointing elsewhere) "And over there too."
Noodle: "Up on the wall?"
Dad: "I suppose so."
Noodle: "There on the floor?"
Dad: "Well, it's kind of a mess down there, but sure."
Noodle: "Under the pillow?"
Dad: "Yes...and behind the door. I like that song, too!"

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (DINER EDITION)

If you lick that mirror, we're going home.

If you go spinny-spinny on the diner stools again, we're going home.

If you dive into that bowl of mints by the cash register, we're going home.

If you try to eat anything that's stuck to the bottom of the table, we're going home.

Unless you crawl under the table again. Then you HAVE to eat anything that's stuck to the bottom of the table. (And then we're going home.)

(With thanks and apologies to the staff of the Elizaville Diner, who make some of the by-gum best fries on earth. We'll be back. With better-behaved kids, we hope.)

YES, THERE ARE STILL THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY HERE

Such as:

"Why is there a rubber glove full of milk on the kitchen table?"

"No, the cat does not always throw up on your shoe on purpose."

"Do not use the riding crop on your brother."

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN)

"That nice man threw you a perfectly good eyeball, so either eat it or give it to Mommy."

"I don't know if spiders can sneeze."

"Of course you can wear the light-up nose while dancing."

"Yes, my darling little lady, that was funky."

"Sure, there were chickens on the Enterprise. On the holodeck, at least."

ONE OTHER THING ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Why is there a potato chip in the toilet?"

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

These are all from this weekend:

"Stop making chicken noises and put your pants back on."

"I do not know if unicorns go pooty-poot."

"That's Don Zimmer. You looked like that when you were born."

"You've probably put six dollars' worth of grape jelly in your hair this year."

"Careful with Mary or you'll drop her behind the piano and she'll have to have the baby Jesus back there like she did last year."

ANOTHER THING ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Stop licking the maracas."

ADDITIONAL THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Get your monkey out of the yogurt."

"Now your fairy's all wet."

"If you kept your feet out of your mouth you wouldn't need so many antibiotics."

"NO MORE FAKE BELCHING!"

SOMETHING ELSE ONLY PARENTS SAY

Overheard just now from Beast's room:

"Don't pee on your friends. Your friends don't like it when you pee on them. Trust me on this one."

The sad thing is, once Beast masters toilet skills he'll be the neatest person in the entire house. Soon to come: extensive photographic evidence of Beast cleaning.

If he keeps this up, and maybe learns a little cooking, every mother in a four-county area will want him for their daughters. Looks, brains, charm, and he cleans? There's got to be a catch. Maybe his dad is dysfunctional.

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY: ADVENT EDITION

"Jesus does not go in the fridge."

"Careful with Jesus or he'll fall behind the piano."

"I'm not sure who changed Jesus' diapers."

"Yes, it would be nice to have angels around to help change His diapers."

"I don't think any penguins were around in the manger when Jesus was born. Slugs, maybe. But they were very very small so we don't usually see them in nativity scenes."

"Honey, the nativity scene is being torn apart by our son and a stuffed kitten."

"No, angels don't buzz people for fun."

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY...THAT COME OUT -SO- WRONG

"Brobee does NOT give table dances."

ONE OTHER THING ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Son, you can't play the guitar with your butt."

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (SALIVARY EDITION)

"Don't lick your purple rock."

"Don't lick the wall."

"Don't lick the cat."

"Don't lick the driveway."

"Don't lick the chalk."

"Don't lick your brother."

"Don't lick the mailbox."

"Don't lick the countertop."

"Don't lick the earthworm."

"Don't lick your toes."

"Don't lick the pumpkin."

"Don't lick the camera."

"Don't lick the refrigerator."

"Don't lick your paintbrush."

"Don't lick the bottle of glue."

"Don't lick the bowling ball."

"Don't lick my keys."

And the pièce de résistance :

"Don't lick your name into the dust on the car. You can't spell it yet."

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (BLADDERCENTRIC EDITION)

"Real pirates don't pee in their pants."

"No, we can't clean the floor with your pee."

"Even Herman goes in his cat box, and he's not too bright."

"Either we're going to run out of pants or we're going to run out of pull-ups, and the only thing we'll have left is the princess pull-ups Noodle used to wear."

"Toilet paper is NOT for bowling."

"There's no such thing as too tired to pee."

"...and they're called kidneys. No, no, not there, those are kid knees."

YET AGAIN, THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

You don't have to recycle boogers. Get a tissue.

Mommy made nice meatballs and you're chewing the tires on your brother's car instead?

I'll explain what "prairie dogging" is some other time.

I told you before, if you keep hitting the pumpkin with the mallet it's going to-- (sfx: mallet going through pumpkin, pumpkin goop gets on child's shoes, screaming ensues) See?

AND EVEN MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Mommy and Daddy have seen real moose poop and it's HUGE!"

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

"You can pee on the jellyfish, but you can't poo on the jellyfish."

See, Beast has a couple of toy jellyfish that he uses as targets to...oh, never mind.

ONE OTHER THING ONLY PARENTS SAY

Well, Beast asked, so we had to answer:

No, you can't be a "peenie" for Halloween.

Only barely did we keep straight faces.