Monday, September 12, 2011

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (FAITH-BASED EDITION)

Mom: "Okay, repeat after me. Our Father..."
Beast: "Our Father..."
Mom: "Who art in heaven..."
Beast: "Who art in heaven..."
Mom: "Wait...where are your pants?"
Beast: (pauses) "That's not in the prayer!"

--

Noodle: "Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake...Beast gets extra pancakes? NO FAIR."

--

Noodle: (pointing to sky) "So He's up there?"
Dad: (pointing elsewhere) "And over there too."
Noodle: "Up on the wall?"
Dad: "I suppose so."
Noodle: "There on the floor?"
Dad: "Well, it's kind of a mess down there, but sure."
Noodle: "Under the pillow?"
Dad: "Yes...and behind the door. I like that song, too!"

Friday, August 5, 2011

THINGS ONLY CHILDREN SAY (INTRODUCTORY BIRDS-AND-BEES EDITION)

Child development experts will tell us parents to be prepared with age-appropriate answers for the inevitable questions about how they came to be. Being the nuanced and thoughtful dad I am, with none of the previous generations' silly silly hangups about the human reproductive process, I considered myself ready for whatever Socratic queries the Noodle and Beast threw at me.

"Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, and they've had a few, and that scene in 'The Thomas Crown Affair' is on, and any other kids are sleeping, and the phone's not ringing, and they're not exhausted, and they don't smell like gasoline and sweat from mowing the lawn, and the litterbox doesn't need cleaning, and the bills have been paid, and the laundry's done, and the dishes are done, and the trash has been taken out, and the cats haven't vomited on the bed, and everybody's been checked for ticks, and nobody has gas, and nobody decided to load up on curry at dinner, and there's no JW's at the door, well, THEN what happens is..."

That's a good start, right?

What I was NOT prepared for was to be cross-examined on the topic by Beast, in the middle of a busy shoe store.

"THAT'S not how babies happen, Daddy. I'm asking mom."

What? I didn't hardly even get started. What did I say?

Wrong movie?

The shoes fit great, however. Kudos to Montano's in Saugerties.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

BIG DAY FOR THE BEAST

That's because a big truck is coming this afternoon...with about four yards of DIRT.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY SON AT BEDTIME TONIGHT

That any bedtime story is vastly improved by adding robots. Take "Bambi", for instance. "ROBOTS had entered the forest..." Much cooler.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (DINER EDITION)

If you lick that mirror, we're going home.

If you go spinny-spinny on the diner stools again, we're going home.

If you dive into that bowl of mints by the cash register, we're going home.

If you try to eat anything that's stuck to the bottom of the table, we're going home.

Unless you crawl under the table again. Then you HAVE to eat anything that's stuck to the bottom of the table. (And then we're going home.)

(With thanks and apologies to the staff of the Elizaville Diner, who make some of the by-gum best fries on earth. We'll be back. With better-behaved kids, we hope.)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

TODAY'S ODD CONVERSATION

Beast, battling a tummyache: "Daddy, does the Sarlacc ever puke?"
Dad: "Er...um...I sure hope not."
Beast: "It would shoot straight up in the air!"
Dad: "Maybe that's how Boba Fett escaped it."
Beast, making pondering face: "Wow..."

Saturday, January 29, 2011

YES, THERE ARE STILL THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY HERE

Such as:

"Why is there a rubber glove full of milk on the kitchen table?"

"No, the cat does not always throw up on your shoe on purpose."

"Do not use the riding crop on your brother."