ONE MORE AT FOUR

The Beast...the Little Dude...ain't so little any more...tomorrow he turns five!

At any rate, we are trying our best to provide something entertaining and useful here from time to time - it's just that every time the wheels really get turning the plate coincidentally tends to fill up with Real Life stuff.

Like now.

I KNOW I'M SHOUTING / I LIKE TO SHOUT

Here are some helpful things to shout at the end of "Dora the Explorer" episodes, when she asks what your favorite part was. Quizzical looks from your children 50% guaranteed!

Now then...to get you in the spirit...what was your favorite part?

• The part where Sonny gets whacked at the tollbooth!
• The part where the Nazis open the Ark and totally melt and stuff
• The part where the centurion gives Brian lessons in Latin
• Phoebe Cates in the red bikini
• The part where the music stops and Peter says "A flower?"
• John Henry Bonham...Moby Dick!

Your contributions, as always, are welcome.

IN WHICH WE WAX INDIGNANT OVER RUN-FLAT TIRES

Theoretically? Great idea.


Reality? They go bald after 30,000 miles or less, they're insanely expensive, you almost always have to replace at least two tires at a time, they can't be repaired like regular tires, they've got lousy road feel, they stink in winter conditions, and there's no way to tell which tire your car's low-tire-pressure indicator light is talking about, or whether the warning is real or fake, or whether the tire is going to suddenly give out altogether at an ungodly early hour of the morning, in the rain.


Since we attempt to make this something of a family-friendly blog, you will have to imagine for yourselves the Anglo-Saxon fricative curse words now queuing up in my brain.


Yes, there are class-action suits pending against the tire manufacturers.


In the meantime, it's our considered but non-expert opinion that regular tires plus a spare and a jack are the way to roll. If your tires go flat and you find yourself unable to change the tire yourself, you can get a Triple-A Plus membership that'll get you towed pretty much wherever you need to go.

THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN)

"That nice man threw you a perfectly good eyeball, so either eat it or give it to Mommy."

"I don't know if spiders can sneeze."

"Of course you can wear the light-up nose while dancing."

"Yes, my darling little lady, that was funky."

"Sure, there were chickens on the Enterprise. On the holodeck, at least."

IN WHICH THE TOYS SPEAK AT NIGHT, BUT DO NOT YET WALK ABOUT

Somebody.

Tell me why battery-powered talk toys...particularly, the ones with no "off" switch...will spontaneously talk, but only at night.

WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A LITTLE GIRL WHO ROCKS

Noodle finished up her homework promptly after school. 100% correct and everything, without even the slightest prodding from on high.

T-MINUS TWO DAYS...

...and then Beast gets to experience the wonderful world of kindergarten.

WELCOME BACK, HON - I CAN TOTALLY EXPLAIN WHY THERE'S A COLANDER FULL OF BARBIE DOLLS IN THE SINK

Her Awesomeness is surprised and relieved upon her return from a day of Woonsocketry.

I got through an entire day by myself with the kids without a) burning the house down, b) getting a visit from CPS/FBI/ATF/etc. wondering what in sam hill I thought I was doing, c) collapsing in a broken heap by noontime, or d) grabbing that bottle of Screech on the top of the cabinet and pounding that bad boy down.

The kids ate something resembling three meals at the appointed time and place, and kept their bedtime grousing to a minimum.

And so we celebr-- oh, that's the "check engine" light, isn't it? Splendid.

ONE OTHER THING ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Why is there a potato chip in the toilet?"