IN WHICH THE TOYS SPEAK AT NIGHT, BUT DO NOT YET WALK ABOUT

Somebody.

Tell me why battery-powered talk toys...particularly, the ones with no "off" switch...will spontaneously talk, but only at night.

THE TRICK...

...is to make the purpose of the mission plain before going into the toy store.

"We're strictly checking out what Santa might be able to bring you and your brother this year, so please don't ask for anything in the store - okay, my sweet noodle?

O-KAY, daddy!"

And it worked. She was saintly. There was even an amazed "she's so good!" from one mom at the toy store. I wish I could put it down to my superior parenting skills, but please. Far as disciplinary skills go, I'm the anti-Great Santini. For once in my life I just happened to be lucid enough to lay out the situation to my daughter at the right time. At any rate, it's a small success, and now I need to chase down a Santa right quick to keep her on the beam.

Speaking of Santas, I'll be rating them locally and you are free to pitch in with your own observations of local Santas you see and I don't get to. Just drop a line, a photo, whatever to knockatize -=at=- gmail.com and we'll see how this works out.

THE WISE HEADS OF THE SENATE PREVAIL FOR OUR CHILDREN

Hey, great. The Senate passed their version of the bailout bill, just tweaked a teensy bit from the original so that it's no longer a measly 3 pages, but 451.

Here's the full, gruesome PDF. Skip ahead to page 300 for the good stuff, to wit:

Subparagraph (A) shall not apply to any shaft consisting of all natural wood with no laminations or artificial means of enhancing the spine of such shaft (whether sold separately or incorporated as part of a finished or unfinished product) of a type used in the manufacture of any arrow which after its assembly-
"(i) measures 5⁄16 of an inch or less in diameter, and "(ii) is not suitable for use with a bow described in paragraph (1)(A).''.
"(b) EFFECTIVE DATE.-The amendments made by this section shall apply to shafts first sold after the date of enactment of this Act.

And so, parents of America, the answer to all our problems from the learned men and women of the Senate: yes, you WILL still be able to warn your kids that they'll put their eyes out playing with that stuff.

VOICES IN THE NIGHT

"EWW - WHO DID THAT?"

Death betide the manufacturers of talking toys with motion sensors that trigger whenever a squirrel breaks wind in the next town over. Like this thing from the imps at Tonka:Cute? Oh, we thought so when Santa brought it to Beast for Christmas. But it won't. shut. up. At 1:30 in the morning...

"LOOK...GARBAGE!"

"THAT STINKS!"

Which naturally terrifies Herman, who's already inclined to flip out at the slightest provocation. Here's this skinny little ten-pound cat, who somehow makes the noise of a team of Clydesdales when he's running around in a panic. His chubbier sister? Stone feline predatory silence. At any rate, the end result of the toy-triggered commotion is the same - a rude awakening from another one of those dreams where I'm telling Katherine Heigl and Scarlett Johansson to stop fighting over me because I am very much already spoken for, thank you very much.

NOW FOR THE PRE-SCHOOLERS: THEIR VERY OWN MOLA RAM DOLL COMPLETE WITH FRESHLY YANKED-OUT TICKER

Joy! My transition to Humorless Old Fart continueth:

Yes, that's our old pal the high priest Mola Ram from Indiana Jones fame, with a freshly-extracted human heart in his hand there. No way Noodle gets this, no matter how much Her Awesomeness digs Harrison Ford.

Noodle would love her little Mola Ram during the day and have hellish dreams about it at night.

September 2008, if you're an action-figure geek.