NOODLE MOVES UP

She's gone and gotten too tall for the old child seat, and so we're pouncing on this here deal because Britax stuff goes on sale about as often as Cincinnati Reds pitchers throw four-hit shutouts.

Sale ends Saturday 3/1 or thereabouts.

THE KIDS' PLAYLIST (FIRST IN A CONTINUING SERIES)

Since I spend a lot of time on the road in spots with crappy radio reception, I put together lots of mix CDs for my trips around the region - and the kids will occasionally seize on one and demand it again again again again. Maybe they work for you too! (I'll make links available ASAP)

Noodle: Pretty Flamingo - Manfred Mann

Beast: Junco Partner - Dr. John

IN WHICH I DATE MYSELF AGAIN

Trek meets Airplane. Whoa:

STILL WEAK FROM THE CUTENESS

Noodle was out sick Monday, so we had a tea party. It was every bit as adorable as it sounds.

And she's four-and-a-half now, which means don't you be coming in here with that "four" stuff any more. Nuh-uh.

(Watch this space for pic)

THE VERY FIRST "HER AWESOMENESS SEAL OF APPROVAL" GOES TO...

Tidy Cats small spaces cat litter - in the orange container. And not the blue container. The distinction between orange and blue is tremendously important. Sez our reviewer:

"It really keeps the stank down!"

My wife. She's all about class.

FUN 'N SAFE MAGNETIC DART BOARDS TURN OUT TO BE NEITHER

A toy made in China you'd find at the dollar store - recalled? Say it ain't so! My favorite bit is at the end of this passage:

"Made in China" is embossed on the back of the board. The sets were sold exclusively at Family Dollar stores nationwide from January 2001 to January 2008.

Consumers should immediately take the recalled toys away from children and return the board and all of the darts to a Family Dollar store for a refund.

I wonder how many people are actually going to go to this trouble to get their dollar back. If you don't have all the darts, then what - will they stiff you on the refund?

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (PARTIAL PRINCESS EDITION)

"You, keep your hands to yourself. You, keep your feet to yourself."

"It's 14 degrees out. You need pants."

"Princesses do NOT wear stockings to bed."

"Princesses can go potty all by themselves."

"Princesses keep their bottoms on their chairs and don't go crawling under the table like wiggle-worms."

NOW FOR THE PRE-SCHOOLERS: THEIR VERY OWN MOLA RAM DOLL COMPLETE WITH FRESHLY YANKED-OUT TICKER

Joy! My transition to Humorless Old Fart continueth:

Yes, that's our old pal the high priest Mola Ram from Indiana Jones fame, with a freshly-extracted human heart in his hand there. No way Noodle gets this, no matter how much Her Awesomeness digs Harrison Ford.

Noodle would love her little Mola Ram during the day and have hellish dreams about it at night.

September 2008, if you're an action-figure geek.

THE DREADED LOW-GRADE FEVER

That's what Beast's got today. Could go away in a few hours like it did last week, or it could peskily linger, or intensify, but what it definitely means is that posting will be light because I'm heading to Castle Lovelybooger soon as I'm off the air.

MY TUCK-TUCKING SKILLS DON'T SUCK AFTER ALL

Her Awesomeness and I just got back from the Lyle Lovett/John Hiatt show in Kingston - amazing, with Garth Hudson showing up for the encore on accordion, and Garth's wikipage has been updated to note the blessed event. And when we got back at around 10:20, Noodle and the Beast had only been asleep for 20 minutes - despite the very best efforts of the Memere and the Pepere to de-bounce the little savages, that's how long it took before they finally conked out. A good solid three hours of cajoling, reading, snacks, cuddles, and (gasp! we're the worst. parents. ever) a little bit of TV.

We no longer feel frustrated that it sometimes takes us an hour to wind down our spawn. An hour looks pretty damn good from here.

So, who's on tour in 2013?

ROCK ON, LITTLE DUDE

Na, na na, nanana na...

HER AWESOMENESS INSISTED I POST THIS

So she can sneak a peek while at work, you see. This much I know: I've got a date on May 22nd:

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

"Before we leave, does everybody have a sticker on their forehead?"

"I think I only have to tell you once - that's not chocolate."

"The toilet seat is NOT a hat."

WHAT IS THIS "FOUR-DAY WEEKEND" OF WHICH YOU SPEAK?

Time off? Har. Snort. It's errandry and banking and filing and chauffering the Nana and ten things I'm going to forget and catch grief for later. Luckily, at the end of the weekend there's the Lyle Lovett/John Hiatt show with Her Awesomeness at UPAC. (Tickets going fast! Seriously. Go to bardavon.org already)

An actual date. I forget what those are like. I haven't brought Her Awesomeness to a show since before Noodle was born.

Do I have to comb my hair? Okay then.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, SWEETIES

A man-hug for the Beast. A smooch for the Noodle. And continued disbelief and joy that Her Awesomeness shares a life with the likes of me.

FAREWELL, CANON JOHN HESTER

A most unusual clergyman, immortalized (er, so to speak) in the Telegraph:

"A striptease performance," he declared, "is a display of beauty, sipped and its bouquet savoured, as one might do with a rare and delightful wine."

We'll put aside for now the issue of whether using that line of logic is going to work with the wives and girlfriends in our audience. Fare thee well, holy man. Hope you brought some twenties for the girls, just in case.

TWO MORE HOUSEHOLD HOLIDAYS

Happy birthday this week to Steve Hackett:



And Peter Gabriel:



Now get on the horn with the rest of the band and set up a tour already.

IS THERE A DARWIN AWARD FOR DOGS?

Certain among us will be ashamed they laughed at this story. Others, not so much.

Freddy, it could be said, was a brave dog. He saw the alligator in a pond near the pedestrian trail...

He barked.
He jumped in the water.
And the alligator ate him.

This is why we in Castle Lovelybooger are cat people.

FLABBERGASTED I AM

Fred Astaire...on the drums:

THE MAN IS KEEPING US DOWN

Here come the diaper price hikes, as warned:

Last week we started seeing higher shelf prices on both Huggies and Pampers, and today we're seeing a "sale"price of $9.99 per jumbo that used to be $8.99. For size 3, that dollar increase amounts to an increase of just less than three cents per diaper--about 13%! Most families will need to add between $5 and $10 per month to their diaper budgets, or $60 to $100 for the year.

Click the link to find out ways to get around this fiendish diaper-industrial complex plot. The comments are particularly interesting, with several commenters claiming that Wal-Mart is refusing to honor manufacturers' coupons from customers who stock up on diapers and use multiple coupons. I vaguely recall a Target clerk mentioning this policy to me while stocking up for Beast a few weeks ago, but I will have to test the claims for myself when I head out to buy another couple packages of GoodNites and Pull-ups later today. I'll report back...but if you know anything in the meantime, feel free to drop a comment!

UPDATE: No coupon hassles at Target. Wal-Mart to follow after the snow/ice/rain/muckstorm moves through.

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY (INTESTINAL EDITION)

"Lots of food that's good for you makes you toot."

"Leave Herman alone in there. He wants privacy too."

"There's another potty song?"

"Yes, dinosaurs tooted too. Especially the ones that ate all their veggies."

"Ask your mommy why it comes out that color."

"That's your tummy telling you it wants more cauliflower."

"Did you leave that brown line on the couch or was it Herman?"

THE OBITUARY THAT HAS IT ALL

The Telegraph has the world's finest obituary section, and they've proved it again with a fantastic piece on somebody I'd never heard of before, Charles Fawcett. Here's how he spent World War II:

When the Nazis invaded Poland in 1939 Fawcett joined the Polish army but had been in barracks for only a week before escaping from the advancing Nazis and hitchhiking back to Paris. When the French rejected his application to enlist, Fawcett joined the Section Volontaire des Américains - the ambulance corps.

He was sharing a studio with another young American, Bill Holland, whose mother was a German aristocrat. One of Holland's relatives, General Otto von Stülpnagel, had been appointed commander-in-chief of occupied France, and when Holland introduced Fawcett to senior German officers he was able to pass important information to the French Resistance.

In Paris Fawcett also took part in the rescue of a group of British prisoners-of-war who had been placed under French guard in a hospital ward by the Germans. By impersonating a German ambulance crew, Fawcett and a comrade marched in at 4am and ordered the French nurses to usher the PoWs out into the yard. "Gentlemen," he announced as he drove them away, "consider yourself liberated."

"You're a Yank," said a British voice.

"Never," came Fawcett's lilting southern burr, "confuse a Virginian with a Yankee."

Cameo appearances by Louis Armstrong, Warren Beatty, Hedy Lamarr and the mujahideen of Afghanistan.

The whole thing. Read it.

OUR PINK FLOYD MOMENT

It actually happened tonight. Her Awesomeness made some yummy shepherd's pie, but Beast and Noodle weren't having any of that. At least Noodle picked around the ground buffalo and gobbled up the mashed potatoes and corn - but still, it was frustrating enough that out came:

If you don't eat your meat...um...

(at this point we realized what we'd said and that we might as well bring it on home)

...you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

And then a "stand still, laddie!" for Beast just for good measure, even though he was by now happily plowing his way through the shepherd's pie. For our next trick, we'll have breakfast while a giant inflatable pig soars over the kitchen table.

HOT DIGGITY, I GOT A DATE

For the first time in the five years since Her Awesomeness was carrying Noodle around in utero, we're going to a concert next weekend - Lyle Lovett and John Hiatt at UPAC in Kingston, which is going to be undergoing several months' worth of renovations later on this year. The Amazing In-Laws will be taking care of Noodle and Beast while the missus and I experience the joys of trying to find a parking spot in midtown Kingston.

I've been practicing the old fake-yawn-stretch-arm-around-my-date move, because I'm rusty.

MORE THINGS ONLY PARENTS SAY

"You'll have to use the Cinderella underwear without the sparkles."

"Those aren't raisins."

"How many of them are in your nose?"

"Did you wipe?"

"We'll just go outside without our pants, then."

CEASEFIRE

The big end-of-the-day timesaver is to get Noodle and Beast into the tub together so we can hose 'em down and get them ready for beddy-bye time more quickly. Lots of luck getting that to happen; there's usually crying and howling and mishegoss and Her Awesomeness and I can't figure out why for love nor money. Nor can we figure out why the fighting doesn't happen sometimes. Like last night. Beast had an appointment with the otto...oto...otolaryngi... ear doctor, which due to its scheduling necessitated dinner out (a whole other project right there), so there goes our militarily precise schedule.

And yet...

We drive home and the Noodle asks nicely for the "horse and tail song" instead of howling for it when she hears something she doesn't like; instead of the usual transition battles the little ones marched smartly inside, put their boots neatly into the tray, and since they weren't getting their hair cut they didn't have to move each other's clothes down to the lower peg and report to Mr Viney that they've had their chit signed. And into the tub they went. Adorableness and splashing ensued...and not the usual squalling!...followed by butt-nekkid toddlers tear-assing into the living room because they were so good we figured they'd earned a bit of TV while they got their jammies on. Beast likes The Incredibles, as it turns out.

Most amazing of all, they went to bed with only a bare minimum of grousing, and the Noodle even deigned to give me a smooch before dozing off in her pile of stuffed animals.

We have no idea why it went so well.

Today we will return to our regularly scheduled chaos and madness.

UNSURPRISING ELECTION SCREW-UP OF THE WEEK

Had some folks 'round these parts calling the radio station all atwitter because their polling places were closed on Tuesday - that was because most polling places in New York didn't open until noon. I remain gratified that there are New Yorkers with shorter attention spans than mine.

Look. Shiny! What? Oh.

I also remain gratified that there were voters in Wisconsin, Virginia and Texas who showed up a week or two early for their primaries, and positively delighted that Florida remains our champion for electoral cluelessness. Great job showing up a week late there, Floridians:

"It's funny that they want to argue with us about it," said Janet Olin, assistant elections supervisor. "We absolutely have had more than a handful, and they are a handful."

Many thanks to Florida elections officials for keeping these folks occupied, and thus less likely to come up here where they might (gasp) drive.

STUPID RATZA FRATZIN' BRAIN

It finally came together today.

I got out of work at a reasonable hour. Didn't get stuck behind an oblivious menace on 9G. No messages on the machine at home, nobody calling me from work with questions that could just as easily have waited or been asked and answered by email, no wrong numbers, no workers crawling around in or on top of of the house...and so for the first time in weeks, I was able to take an uninterrupted nap. A proper, three-hour Dagwood nap. With drooling, thank you.

Refreshed, your warrior did the dishes, attacked some of the mess in the living room, finished my PM newscasts, threw some wash in the laundry, had another go at the living room...

...and forgot to make dinner because I lost track of time, which flies not only when you're having fun but also when you're sorting out Candy Land cards from GeoTrax toys.

HEINOUS BABY-NAMING TRENDS TO CONTINUE IN 2008

Oh lord, no. The idiocy continues:

2008 is the year to break with tradition when it comes to baby names, says Suelain Moy, author of Names to Grow On. That means if you love Irish names -- but don't have an ounce of Celtic blood in you -- go with Aiden anyway. "Parents are also really starting to play around with language," says Moy, creating Nevaeh" from "Heaven" spelled backward or the funky "Semaj" from the traditional "James," for example. Miss your maiden name? Consider turning a surname, like Addison, Miller, or Carver, into a totally unique first or middle moniker for your kid.

Trend Tip: Road-test an offbeat name by using it to make restaurant reservations.

And here's my trend tip: road test offbeat names by writing them down on a piece of paper, then set that paper on fire and compost the ashes and never ponder a "unique" name again - because tens of thousands of other parents are making the same "unique" choices you are. This is how we got a generation of now-mortified ten-year-old girls named Britney. Still feeling good about that pick, moms?

After you've disposed of the trendy and shallow and the stripper names, go three generations back in your families and find out what names worked for them. If you're lucky enough to have a great-grandparent-to-be still alive, you'll both honor and delight them by using their name (or their spouse's). By way of example, the Noodle is named after her late great-grandmother, who died suddenly shortly before the Noodle was born. And to this day her great-grandfather keeps pictures of his two favorite girls by his bedside and gives them both a kiss before tucking in for the night.

Awww.

DOUBLE THE MOMMIES, DOUBLE THE BABY-SHOWER SCHWAG?

One baby, one dad, two moms:

Ten human embryos each containing the DNA from one man and two women have been created in a project that within three years could lead to the first genetically altered babies being born in Britain.

The form of gene transplant proposed in Newcastle will be bitterly opposed by pro-life campaigners but offers the first realistic hope of an effective treatment for an entire class of serious genetic diseases.

And then comes the science, which is quite beyond me especially at this hour. The opportunities are limitless, and not just for lawyers, stand-up comics and talk-show blowhards.

THEM LOST WALLET BLUES

Lost a credit card? No problem, they'll express-mail a new one and it'll be there in a day or two.

Lose your health-care card? Not a biggy, there's another one coming in a week and in the meantime you can print a temporary card off our website just in case.

Lose that adorable little booklet of the kids' baby pictures? Can of corn; we print one up again on Shutterfly and it's all good.

Lose the driver's license? You'll be waiting four to six weeks, sonny boy. And if you're pulled over in the meantime, deal. Love and kisses, the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles - Now with 1978 service at 2008 prices!

18*-1

Heh. Heh. Heh.
Congratulations, Giants.

PETER GABRIEL: MUSICAL GENIUS, WORLD STATESMAN, CRAPPY SKIER

Peter, you klutz:

Peter Gabriel is recovering after breaking his left leg while skiing in Switzerland.

...

"I hit a rock and I could feel a loud snap as I broke my leg, and then I skied down to the piste, which was a bit stupid."

While laid up, Peter received a package from his old mates in Genesis. It was a fruit basket. And a set list and rehearsal schedule for the 2009 tour. (A man can hope, yes?)

THE KIDS' FIRST BALLGAME(S)

When the Noodle and the Beast came into our lives, I was hoping to be able to show them the wonders of Yankee Stadium and of...well, the 7 train on the way to Shea, at least. Was hoping to wait just a leeeetle bit longer though, but up go those two spiffy new ballparks, and what's more my beloved Reds are coming to both Queens and the Bronx this year, so there's no better time than the present to indoctrinate brainwash let them experience a big-league game for the first time.

Trouble is, the amenities for kids at the two old ballyards have never been much, and having seen that baseball palace in Philadelphia I'm thinking we're doomed if the game turns out not to be to their liking.

Would LOVE any tips on keeping a four-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy occupied at the game.

In the meantime, it's seven hours and counting toward the deadline for the Johan Santana trade to go through. Tick...tick...tick...don't you panic now, Mets fans. Really, just stay relaxed. Deep breaths.